Got antibiotics to take for my infected arm. I am just a factory for infections! This should clear it all up. Should take some probiotics after all these meds. I am at my dads now cleaning in prep for thanksgiving. Getting some money for gas and such from it. I'm exhausted. Long day. Work is gonna be rough tonight.

Doctor-time. FML.

Casey's staying, once he realized going back to NH would destroy our relationship he decided it was better to give here another shot. He is heading back to NH to visit for Thanksgiving today. He'll be gone a little over a week. Then he's coming back. He knows he has to get a job immediately and is getting the docs he needs to work for the temp agency.

My immune system is being terrible. Cookie scratched me last week while I was trimming her nails. Instead of healing it has become infected, even though it didn't really bleed because it wasn't that deep when I got it. It seems to be getting deeper every day and red and hot to the touch and cleaning it and hot compresses and ointment are not helping. WHY can't my immune system handle a cold or a scratch??? It honestly worries me.

I hope I don't have to go to the doctor but I think I may need to. :( I have been to the doc so many times since moving it's ridiculous. :( I'll give it another day. :(

Click this link:

http://thedesigninspiration.com/articles/70-cutie-baby-animals-bring-your-a-good-mood/

Schedule for Week:

Mon: Work. Walmart run with Merci tonight to get more scrubs as mine are disintegrating. :(

Tue: Casey leaves??? Things have changed again after a long and very frank talk with him and now he wants to try to stick it out. He may head up for a visit? Or may not? I don't know and am trying not to count on anything right ow regarding this situation. Possibly stop by g'rents. Work again.

Wed: Cleaning at my dad's in AM. Work in afternoon/evening.

Thur: Sleep in. Visit mom et al. Then stop at Dad's for a bit. Feed animals their thanksgiving dinner atnight (need to find something special for the rodents)

Fri: Worrrrrk.

Sat - Sun: ???

Tuesday's the day. I am not a happy camper.

Casey's still leaving. I wish he wouldn't dither in making up his mind, one minute he's leaving, next he's still looking for jobs, then he won't say what he's doing, now he's still going. False hope is just cruel.

So. If I'm single does that mean my art gets more popular? Huh?

(Trying to find some levity in the situation. Heh.)

Thanks to everyone who's offered support. I'm sorry I didn't write back to everyone but I really do appreciate the kind words. Just been too messed up to respond to everyone. My mind is a little shattered. As the day gets closer for him to leave I get more panicked. I know I have survived on my own before and even when my panic attacks were worse. But. Argh. It's just never easy. I'm the type of person who really does best with a partner. I just always have. I don't feel like it's an invasion of my privacy or a cramp in my style, I do better with someone to take care of and to help me out with other things. IE - food. I happily cook lunch and dinner for my SO and that means I get to eat nice meals too. When no one's here I'm much less likely to cook, and much more likely to grab something quick and easy - food is no longer fun. I still have Merci to cook for! But I think I understand now why some old people cook fancy homemade meals for their dogs and cats. They probably eat the same thing themselves.

And that's just ONE thing out of a thousand tiny things. Mrf. Now I'm depressing myself again.

In good news I got to visit my grandparents along with my dad this morning and that was nice. They are doing well. I got to pick out my xmas present which is a handmade tissue cozy the colors of my LJ! My grandma could not have planned those colors better. :3 And then my mom and Jeff came over and we got a door on the room. YAY. It's a bifold which is not ideal but the only thing that would work on the weird doorway size short of building a custom door which can be a total pain to get to work right. The bifold seems to work ok, if the cats figure out how to open it I'll have to figure out a latch system but it might be sturdy enough they won't be able to. JOY.

How can I be lonely already?

Yup, the rats and Casey will be gone by Wednesday at the latest. Right now I'm angry instead of sad. I guess my emotions will probably bounce back and forth. Probably for a long time.

Also, I feel very old somehow. I keep thinking 'I'm too old for these games' in my head. I guess now that I'm just about 30 I really want to settle down and it bothers me that this goal is farther away than ever. i've always been a homebody, it's kinda weird to think of me becoming MORE of a homebody.

I think it's bedtime without dinner now. I lost my appetite.

Casey's taking the ratties with him I think. I will miss the little buggers. :( Will have to get more rats someday when I can handle more stuff. They are such awesome little pets. While I love my little mice and I liked my hamsters as a kid I never would have wasted my time on them if I'd known how smart and lovable rats are.

Note to anyone: if you are looking at getting a small animal for a kid for Xmas, get a rat (actually, get 2, as they need a partner). Seriously. Get past the bald tail phobia and see them for what awesome little animals they are. They have the most distinct personalities and if you get ones that have been handled well like mine, they will KISS you and run to greet you. Unlike mice and hammies who often run AWAY.

So. Another reason to be upset. Hooray? Bleh. I guess I'm kind of adapting, maybe. I'm just... tired. Tired of everything always screwing up. I have had the most horrendous year ever. It seems like whenever someone said, "Oh that's really rough... but hey, be thankful you have X!' then X disappeared. Apartment, job, health, healthcare, affordable therapist, friends, supportive boyfriend. Glee.

So Casey is giving up on finding a job here and going back to New Hampshire. Could be as early as this Friday or as late as next Thursday. His dad is coming to move his stuff and I guess follow his car in case it has trouble making it back to NH. It probably will. Maybe they'll just tow it. I don't know.

We're going to try to hold things together as a long distance relationship but I am not hopeful. I will do my best. But things were really hard before and they're sure to become more frustrating and hard now that we've been together and have to deal with the distance again.

I spent last night crying. I don't want to be alone again. Not here. At least when I lived in Warminster I had people around all the time. My family helps me out but they're busy with their own things. I see them maybe once a week, probably even less. Merci is a good friend to have around but she is so infernally busy. Which is good for her. I do see her a lot more now than I used to. With the distance my old friends can't visit me very often. It takes money and time to get here. I don't blame anyone for not having either.

I guess the only good thing is, whatever happens, we can say we tried. I hope he is happier in NH. I hope things work out well for him. I know he has lots of friends up there and I doubt he'll have a chance to get very lonely.

As for me... I can't see anything but darkness ahead.

I think I'm about ready to murder all cats. They keep coming into my room and peeing. I am quite sure it's because the room was previously a giant litterbox for cats, there are stains on the floor and walls. I know cats like to mark to make sure their territory doesn't smell like strange cats. But damn. I don't even know what to do. I am so frustrated and aggravated at them. I have never ever had this type of problem before, and no matter how much I clean it doesn't help. Maybe I can't smell the cat pee anymore once I've thoroughly cleaned but their sensitive noses pick it up, probably trapped in the wood or the plaster, and there they go peeing again. I have gotten quite apathetic about it the past couple weeks, tired of trying to keep up with it. I can't do that either, it'll just let the problem get worse. But I really really really don't know what else I can do. There aren't any doors so I can't confine the cats to one area or keep them out of another, which would be my normal advice to someone else with this problem. Arrrgh.

They are lucky they are cute, that's all I can say.

I think the radio kind of de-personalizes music. The same recording of the same song, many times a day, no variation between one playing and the next. For the most part I had stopped listening to music except when it was playing at work.

Lately though I have discovered the game Second Life (well not really a game, more like a giant graphical chat room) has quite a few musicians that use this as a platform to reach out to new fans, or just to have fun playing. Either way, I don't mind. I have been listening to live music for a week now, every chance I get. It is incredible that I can do this while wearing my pj's and sitting at my desk - technology is truly wonderful. There are also some really talented people on there you can listen to for free. I donate game money when I have it though, it's only polite.

I should try to get out and get to some local music thingies, but time and energy/anxiety levels factor in there. This is nice in the meantime. :3

BTW, if anyone ever wants to look me up on SecondLife, my name is Kitt Calliope there. I actually don't have many friends on there to chat with, I mostly lurk quietly around the music scenes lately.

Also, medicine seems to be working at killing this upper respiratory infection. Thank goodness! Still got sick again last night, but it will all be worth it. I had more energy today and didn't sound quite as terrible. (Of course as I type this I have a coughing fit.... blah! But still better than before.)

Who says dogs don't feel guilt? I knew right away when I got home Cookie did something bad. She looked at me, wagged her tail really low and fast, and then slunk into her crate. Casey and I conducted a search and found poop on the floor. Luckily it was very easy to clean up. I found it more amusing to see her reaction that aggravating to clean up.

She's been hiding in her crate since. Weird dog. (I suppose more evidence of past abuse?)

Work was ok. I got out a bit early which was good as I was starting to feel really tired and a bit short of breath. Bedtime is soon.

Casey and I had a talk, or maybe an argument, about life, work, money, etc. I told him to look for jobs farther afield if he thinks they're out there. I doubt they are. But if they are he needs to go to them, because he can't continue to not work. I will be really upset if he has to leave.... but life is hard and things rarely go the way you envision. I've been coping this long in my life - I will continue to.

I'm just thankful for my dog. She is always here no matter what, and she's what keeps me going when everything falls apart. When life doesn't feel worth living I go on living anyway because Cookie needs me. Maybe that's why I keep pets. Though I don't feel as strongly about any of them as I do my dog. I guess because dogs and humans can communicate so well.

Still feeling washed out but the claritin has toned down the cough and sneezing, and the nausea from the antibiotic has worn off for now. I'm sure it'll be back when I take the second dose tonight, but I won't have to deal with it during work, hooray! I'll probably be moving slow today and taking a lot of breaks but I should be mostly ok. Looking forward to going to bed tonight already! :P

Hopefully with the new meds and the weekend to rest by Monday I'll be back to normal. PLEASE! :P

ALSO, please send some positive thought power to Casey and the folks at Best Buy who WANT to hire him (please? please let them?). We need a break.

Went to the doc again. They got me a better stronger antibiotic. Also, unlike the amoxicillan, I only need to take it 1x day. That's nice. Unfortunately, since it's stronger, it's upsetting my stomach quite a bit. I'm chewing on some crackers, hoping that might soak up some of the sicky feeling.

Also got my depression/anxiety medication upped. Blah. Maybe that will help with my other problems though.

Been sleeping all evening, probably go back to that soon. Read if I feel too blah to actually sleep. Gonna go to work tomorrow unless I'm actually throwing up. The stomach pain will be worth it if this kills whatever infection I have, I was starting to worry as yesterday and today I started coughing and wheezing. I do NOT like when things move into my lungs, I have had bronchitis before and I never ever ever want it again. It was a very long time ago but I still distinctly remember the feeling of wanting to die rather than cough one more time. :P

Ok, bed now. Please antibiotics, do your best! (Or worst, whichever works)

Spiffy keen. My illness came back with a vengeance. Left work early due to coughing/wheezing and feeling too tired to do much of anything - pretty much everyone there just told me to go home. Called the doc who was closed for veteran's day. Called the redi-care center where I was seen last week and they told me to come in. I'm not going out tonight when they'll close soon anyway so I'm going to see about seeing the other doc tomorrow. Ugh. I really need this to come back on top of already feeling depressed. The nagging thing that worries me is I heard if you get the flu and then it comes back after you've already been feeling better you usually wind up in the hospital. This is a rumor, but it still has me scared.

to realize your biggest aspirations are to hopefully find some land in the country to rent and a mobile home to own to put on it, maybe you can afford it by the time you're 45 or 50. You'll probably be alone except for your dogs but at least they'll have land to run on as long as the farmers don't shoot them. At least you'll have a nice view from your window. Because right now that seems to be the thing that hurts the most. The lack of beauty in anything, anywhere in the world.

Things not looking so great. I'm so tired. Job is going mostly ok, but, eh. Bad day I guess. I don't know. I feel trapped more and more. Just by everything. It would be nice if something went unexpectedly wonderful for a change.

Guess what? I'm STILL sick! I feel better but am still all stuffed up and needed a nap today. I was really hoping I'd be feeling awesome for work tomorrow but now I kinda doubt it. Oh well.

Yesterday Jonny and Sno came to visit and I had a great time. It was so nice to see them again, I miss them lots. We went to the game store where I was bad and bought 2 books. I really haven't bought anything for myself besides food and clothes since getting my new job so that's how I'm justifying it but I still feel a bit guilty. I'm still glad I have the books though! Merci joined us and we ate at a little taco place which was cheap and also very tasty. I want to go back there sometime. Then we watched anime all night. Something called the Ouran High School Host Club which on the surface looked really cheesy and I thought I wouldn't like it but it turned out to be hilarious and we were all glued to the tv all night. It was a good time, laughed a lot and had fun. Hope to repeat the exercise again soon!

Right now I'm heading out to take Cookie for a short walk. Not far since my breathing is still not great, but a little fresh air will be good for me. I hate how early it gets dark these days.